[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
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It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late