[Waking up in Heaven]

This is all super nice, but how did I die?

Angel: You died doing what you loved.

Me: intimidating men?

Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you

Me: classic

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[a duel]

Him: Choose your weapons.

Me: Um…banjos.

Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.


My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.


I keep my fitbit in the original box same as I do my special edition Malibu Barbie.


Practicing parenthood on an egg only teaches kids that if you cook your baby it’s delicious.


Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.


All i’m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.


My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.


– Are you even listening to me?

– Of course I am

– Ok, what did I just ask you?

– If I’m listening to you


My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.


You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle