@Angibangie

[Waking up in Heaven]

This is all super nice, but how did I die?

Angel: You died doing what you loved.

Me: intimidating men?

Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you

Me: classic

You Might Also Like

@hazelmotes1

Giving your kid a recorder and telling him to go home and practice is how teachers get revenge on society for paying them so poorly.

@CuriousZelda

I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare

@Jake_Vig

I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.

@ddsmidt

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

@e4moji

If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why

@Shock_Monster

HR: Let’s talk about why you were late today.
Me: I told you!
HR: DRAGONS AREN’T “RELIABLE TRANSPORTATION!”
Me: Duh. That’s why I was late.

@Brampersandon_

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

@TweetPotato314

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

@psybermonkey

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW