@Angibangie

[Waking up in Heaven]

This is all super nice, but how did I die?

Angel: You died doing what you loved.

Me: intimidating men?

Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you

Me: classic

You Might Also Like

@UnFitz

[a duel]

Him: Choose your weapons.

Me: Um…banjos.

Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.

@lisaxy424

My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.

@3Snowbee3

I keep my fitbit in the original box same as I do my special edition Malibu Barbie.

@imadepoopstoday

Practicing parenthood on an egg only teaches kids that if you cook your baby it’s delicious.

@DadBits

Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.

@Chicken_Hawk38

All i’m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.

@suzieQ0007

My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.

@Sanbel11

– Are you even listening to me?

– Of course I am

– Ok, what did I just ask you?

– If I’m listening to you

@LosLos__

My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.

@Prof_Hinkley

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle