[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
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Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
E
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ᴱ
ᴱ
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy