Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
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Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.