[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
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The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Breaking news:
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?