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Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker


You’ve been promoted to customer



If life had a ‘CTRL + ALT + DEL’ option, you bet your ass I’d be hitting that thing about 14 times a day.


mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
me: Stuffing
me: Plates


Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again


sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means


Rationally, I now understand that my parents were always Santa, but I still don’t get how they made it to all those houses in one night.


boss: you’re late

me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour

boss: did it work

me: no, I think I need better shoes