No way!
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Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
#StillHurts
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Password ex…
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️