Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
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You’ve been promoted to customer
If life had a ‘CTRL + ALT + DEL’ option, you bet your ass I’d be hitting that thing about 14 times a day.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Rationally, I now understand that my parents were always Santa, but I still don’t get how they made it to all those houses in one night.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.