[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
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me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
I’m a bad influence on myself.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*