@SimplySnaccbar

[Waking up]

Me to me: I see my assassin failed.

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@massive_images

Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”

Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”

@XplodingUnicorn

Don’t do drugs, kids.

The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.

@OkigboXL

PSA: Don’t EVER let your printer know that you’ve waited until the last minute to print something out and you’re in hurry because they can sense fear.

@rockymomax

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

@Merman_Melville

Moby-Dick is cool if you like stopping in the middle of a story about murdering a smart whale to think about all the different kinds of rope

@ramblinma

Me: I need to make better life choices.

Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.

@OllyiConic

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

@gHOEstgurl

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

@jakehightower34

Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?