Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
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Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
PSA: Don’t EVER let your printer know that you’ve waited until the last minute to print something out and you’re in hurry because they can sense fear.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Moby-Dick is cool if you like stopping in the middle of a story about murdering a smart whale to think about all the different kinds of rope
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
client: i’m nervous
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
attorney: you said you were innocent
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?