°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
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I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Shortcut
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace