@CornOnTheGoblin

°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me

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@RocketRankoon

Facebook: “Hey why are you making dumb jokes?! Some of us are praying over here!”
Me: *backs away slowly*
[My Twitter origin story]

@MandaPandaXo4

I can’t date a guy who’s afraid of spiders. He can be afraid of stuff I’m not. Like, nachos, maybe. That’s fine. I can take care of those.

@enigmaterics

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

@PhriendlyCody

date: this is so romantic

me: just the two of us

date: and the stars

me: and the moon

the moon: *winks at my date*

me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-

@moneybreton

Top Fears
1.Walking on manholes
2.Driving, hit a deer, windshield breaks, deer caught and frantically bucks me to death
3.Christopher Walken

@MUMSIEesq

In my defense, they should have been more specific about which part of the restaurant I was supposed to “Drive Thru”

@Desert_Musings

I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

@mattZillaaaa

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

@SondraDeeMe

If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.