°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me

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Facebook: “Hey why are you making dumb jokes?! Some of us are praying over here!”
Me: *backs away slowly*
[My Twitter origin story]


I can’t date a guy who’s afraid of spiders. He can be afraid of stuff I’m not. Like, nachos, maybe. That’s fine. I can take care of those.


I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.


date: this is so romantic

me: just the two of us

date: and the stars

me: and the moon

the moon: *winks at my date*

me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-


Top Fears
1.Walking on manholes
2.Driving, hit a deer, windshield breaks, deer caught and frantically bucks me to death
3.Christopher Walken


In my defense, they should have been more specific about which part of the restaurant I was supposed to “Drive Thru”


I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.


Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.


If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.