°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
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Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Never go to sleep after making me angry
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so