Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
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I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.