yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
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A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Pringles
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad