[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
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IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.