Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
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Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
I’m having an out of money experience.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.