Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
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Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
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Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”