@SoulYodeler

Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.

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@illTortuga

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

@DurtMcHurtt

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

@HatfieldAnne

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

@Home_Halfway

WAITER: Do you know what you’d like?
DAD: A better car! Hahaha
WAITER: Sir, wait here
*brings out trophy*
you are our funniest customer ever

@ceejoyner

If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.

@kobychill

me: i love pillow talk

pillow: hello

me: what the hell

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’m a recovering coke addict

ME {trying to impress her}: Is Pepsi okay?

@eddiesteadyno

A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.

@the_paramedicK

Mom: why are your eyes dilated

Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love

Mom: what were you looking at

Me: memes