Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
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Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”