Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
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Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
doing your own taxes
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.