Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
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* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”