Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
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lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”