Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
You Might Also Like
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
This story is comedy gold 😂
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Stonehinge
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
This squirrel eats better than I do
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat