Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*

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Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.


If you say “cray cray” I’m going to punch you in the “fay fay”,


My attention span is shorter than donuts are better with sprinkles.


[all the dairy products r hanging out]
Milk: lets go drink
Cheese: yea
Yogurt: yea
Whipped cream: my gf says i cant. its scrapbooking night


Oh that’s neat so you’re a Cancer? Wait…astrologically or to society?


So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?


Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”


When people tell me I’m intimidating, I generally just glare at them until they take it back.


The only time a man has ever asked me “do you have a sister?” was just to make sure he avoided dating her too.