@ABostonTwit

Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*

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@alizmay

Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.

@crunchenhanced

If you say “cray cray” I’m going to punch you in the “fay fay”,

@DurtMcHurtt

My attention span is shorter than donuts are better with sprinkles.

@trentistweeting

[all the dairy products r hanging out]
Milk: lets go drink
Cheese: yea
Yogurt: yea
Whipped cream: my gf says i cant. its scrapbooking night

@rzarosco

Oh that’s neat so you’re a Cancer? Wait…astrologically or to society?

@carlyken

So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?

@colonel_trilL

Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”

@onelongbender

When people tell me I’m intimidating, I generally just glare at them until they take it back.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

The only time a man has ever asked me “do you have a sister?” was just to make sure he avoided dating her too.