@upsheezy

“Walk it off” does not apply to everything.

Stupidity, for example.

You’re not walking that shit off unless it’s in to oncoming traffic

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@junejuly12

*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*

@hannahhhhxoxo

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

@IamJackBoot

Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”

@kellyoxford

Cyclists who don’t obey street signs should have to wear their google search history on a t-shirt.

@1BigMick

If you believe the home alarm commercials, the first thing burglars do when they break into your home is smash your family pictures.

@PureDad

Man, Lord of the Rings has all kinds of people! White men, white elves, white dwarves, white trees, Gandalf the white, all the kinds!

@JediGigi

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

@hyperblastchic

“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”

-how vodka was born

@cdpeck

It takes 43 muscles to frown, which is why my face looks so ripped.

@bridger_w

Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour