Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
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welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath