“Walk it off” does not apply to everything.

Stupidity, for example.

You’re not walking that shit off unless it’s in to oncoming traffic

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*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*


i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him


Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”


Cyclists who don’t obey street signs should have to wear their google search history on a t-shirt.


If you believe the home alarm commercials, the first thing burglars do when they break into your home is smash your family pictures.


Man, Lord of the Rings has all kinds of people! White men, white elves, white dwarves, white trees, Gandalf the white, all the kinds!


I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.


“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”

-how vodka was born


It takes 43 muscles to frown, which is why my face looks so ripped.


Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour