WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Walk like an Egyptian is a song, but also a sure fire way to make it safely through a bad neighborhood.
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The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….
If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
The first rule of cliff hanger club is
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
I thought air was free until I bought a bag of Lay’s Potato Chips!