[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
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No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
What if all the cashiers are married?
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”