@FattMernandez

Walk like an Egyptian is a song, but also a sure fire way to make it safely through a bad neighborhood.

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@dave_cactus

WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.

@Gupton68

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

@iwearaonesie

“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text

@DrakeGatsby

Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!

Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.

@SteveKoehler22

Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….

If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !

@CornOnTheGoblin

magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]

@squirrel74wkgn

[2052 pre-apocalypse]

Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world

Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS

@mattselman

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

@xoCAMILLAxo

I thought air was free until I bought a bag of Lay’s Potato Chips!