Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
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It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
oh my god
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
m’lady
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”