Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
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DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms