@Playing_Dad

Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

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@vikkaroni

OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.

@1MeLrO

Any girl can give you pics

I can give you a headache

@MrsCupcake79

7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.

@WheelTod

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do Cowboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”

@KeetPotato

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”

@pakalupapito

i want all the extra fat on my body to fall off and turn into $65,000 cash

@anerdonfire2

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom

@EndhooS

[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant