OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
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Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Any girl can give you pics
I can give you a headache
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
i want all the extra fat on my body to fall off and turn into $65,000 cash
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*sleeps 9 more minutes
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant