Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
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This is my pinned tweet
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Monday Lisa
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list