Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory

ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats

MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty

Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.

I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.

A bear went into a bar.

“I’d like a whiskey…….

and coke.”

Bartender asks “why the long pause?”

Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?

Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

This text is literally my relationship with my mother:

A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?

I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*

there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy

[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]

me: clever girl

velociraptor: what

me: …clever girl

velociraptor: I’m 26

me: sorry I-

velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here

2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.

When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.

Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.

You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body

me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long

My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.

Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.

The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.

HIM: And a trillion dollars.

GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.

HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.

GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?

HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.

GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.

*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.