Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
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HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”