I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
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People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Is your wife single?
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?