@imadepoopstoday

Walk up to someone drinking coffee and ask them if their coffee tastes different today.
Then smile and walk away.

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@UnFitz

The snootiest of the dinosaurs was the Connoissaur. It roamed the earth during the Epicurean era.

@Ann_tookeen

Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏

@GoldenSpirals

He told me I was the “bee’s knees”.
I believe I merit being compared to something more like a lemur’s femur.
Who doesn’t love Zoboomafoo?

@valerie_tosi

The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”

@TommyKarate

Forgot to open the door before applying hand lotion so now I’m stuck in my restroom forever.

@theshantilly

Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.

@Lindzeta

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic has his fav book made into a movie & the characters are nothing like he imagined them