I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
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Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
My favorite type of men is ramen.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.