@OrigamiUndies

Walk up to the finest girl in the club and whisper, “excuse me, can I get at that outlet behind you hon?”

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@JONOCOYOTE

Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.

@NJPsychDoc

If the opposite of impossible is Possible & the opposite of immature is Mature, you can conclude that i’m a very Portant person to some.

@PaulyPeligroso

Wait, is Obama our second black President or our first black President again?

@JediGigi

[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.

@Cheeseboy22

“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.

@3sunzzz

When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:

*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention

*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going

*someone dropped a penny

@tastefactory

Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you