Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Walk up to the finest girl in the club and whisper, “excuse me, can I get at that outlet behind you hon?”
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If the opposite of impossible is Possible & the opposite of immature is Mature, you can conclude that i’m a very Portant person to some.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Wait, is Obama our second black President or our first black President again?
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
*texts you back 2 years later…
Lol not much how about you
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Manager: Your fired
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you