confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
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wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Cat.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.