An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
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Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.