walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane

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Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*


Ever have to pee so bad you let a pigeon watch your kids for a minute?


Did you “ask” me or “axe” me?

Because seriously……

one is murder.


Gave my cat some almond milk and now she teaches hot yoga on Thursday nights.


Commercial for Twitter:

“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”


i hate the outside
*invents houses*
i kinda miss it now
*invents windows*


The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.


“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.


Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.


this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”