My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
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SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.