Walked 2 kms on four lane highway and Fitbit is showing 2 kms covered and not 8.

C’mon Fitbit, update your app with new formula.

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Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.


2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?


WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly


[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK


My daughter said she needs a bag of Skittles for a class project. Starting to get suspicious.


My friend is so stupid she thought Alabama is a city. Don’t worry, I informed her Alabama is the president.


When I think of you, I touch myself.

With my finger.

In the back of my throat to help me vomit because you make me nauseous.


Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes