@staceaustin

Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.

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@GrantTanaka

Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol

@AmishPornStar1

Earth Day…

…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!

@Marcmywords2

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

@bossy_bootz

Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail

@iwearaonesie

son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult

@kiiimdaaa

A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌

@ayosworIdd

Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

@Brentweets

Don’t have a “Garage sale” if I can’t buy your garage idiot.

@SortaBad

We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji