Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.

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For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.


I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday. Not a great gift I know, but you should’ve seen her face light up when she opened it


Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.


Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.


If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies


[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money


mcdonalds: may I take your order

cronus: I’ll have the kids meal


Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.


Sorry I pissed on the walls of your bathroom, but the flowery wall paper made me think I was outside.. Also you’re out of Valium


37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.