Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.

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Wife: My family is coming over.
Me: ….?


I basically have 3 hairstyles…



I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100


Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!

Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!

Me:..for the kids…yeah


If fire shoots out of the chimney the Papal Conclave has selected a new drummer for Slayer.


Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.


Wife: Timmy’s hamster Mr Fuzzy died this morning and we have to replace him before he gets back from nursery


Me: *gestures at kid* Well?

Wife: i meant the hamster


I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.


I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.


Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*

My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!