@LosLos__
Wife: My family is coming over.
Me: ….?
Wife: PANTS! PUT ON PANTS!
@staceaustin
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
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@LosLos__
@chicnlil1
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
@6figures__
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
@Marlebean
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
@RockabillyJay
If fire shoots out of the chimney the Papal Conclave has selected a new drummer for Slayer.
@Mardigroan
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
@sonictyrant
Wife: Timmy’s hamster Mr Fuzzy died this morning and we have to replace him before he gets back from nursery
[Later]
Me: *gestures at kid* Well?
Wife: i meant the hamster
@Peteypops13
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
@carlyken
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
@Pork_Chop_Hair
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!