Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
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…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.
Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Don’t have a “Garage sale” if I can’t buy your garage idiot.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the