@staceaustin

Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.

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@UnFitz

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

@Anon_imosity

I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday. Not a great gift I know, but you should’ve seen her face light up when she opened it

@batkaren

Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

@TheBoydP

Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.

@behindyourback

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

@AbrasiveGhost

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

@Browtweaten

mcdonalds: may I take your order

cronus: I’ll have the kids meal

@iGreenMonk

Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

@Sal0630

Sorry I pissed on the walls of your bathroom, but the flowery wall paper made me think I was outside.. Also you’re out of Valium

@ValeeGrrl

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.