Wife: My family is coming over.
Wife: PANTS! PUT ON PANTS!
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
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I basically have 3 hairstyles…
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
If fire shoots out of the chimney the Papal Conclave has selected a new drummer for Slayer.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Wife: Timmy’s hamster Mr Fuzzy died this morning and we have to replace him before he gets back from nursery
Me: *gestures at kid* Well?
Wife: i meant the hamster
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!