@staceaustin

Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.

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@LosLos__

Wife: My family is coming over.
Me: ….?
Wife: PANTS! PUT ON PANTS!

@chicnlil1

I basically have 3 hairstyles…

Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.

@6figures__

I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100

@Marlebean

Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!

Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!

Me:..for the kids…yeah

@RockabillyJay

If fire shoots out of the chimney the Papal Conclave has selected a new drummer for Slayer.

@Mardigroan

Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.

@sonictyrant

Wife: Timmy’s hamster Mr Fuzzy died this morning and we have to replace him before he gets back from nursery

[Later]

Me: *gestures at kid* Well?

Wife: i meant the hamster

@Peteypops13

I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.

@carlyken

I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*

My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!