@biorhythmist

Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.

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@KKAlThani

Cop: you’re under arrest
Me: no you are
*cop arrests me*
Me: fine but next time it’s my turn

@beefman138

Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?

@SortaBad

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

@QwertyJones3

[texting]

So what’s your name?

“ily”

omg this is moving too fast.

ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?

@Tmoney68

[Bar]

Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.

@Abusitron

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

@BillCorbett

To celebrate Independence Day I’m finding Englishmen and then walking angrily away from them!

@DurtMcHurtt

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.

@treydayway

How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”

@3sunzzz

Me: A lady never reveals her age.

Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!

Me: FINE! *sigh* 37

Dr: thank you

Me: ish