Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
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So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed