Cop: you’re under arrest
Me: no you are
*cop arrests me*
Me: fine but next time it’s my turn
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
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Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
So what’s your name?
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
To celebrate Independence Day I’m finding Englishmen and then walking angrily away from them!
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you