Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
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*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Got him!
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
This is my brand.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming