Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza

You Might Also Like


I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.


Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.


Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!

Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?

Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.


ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked


I’m not sure if Tom Petty is dead, but I’m absolutely sure journalism is.


coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth


Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!


Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc


The weatherman is telling us to expect 8 to 9 inches, but he’s probably lying.