@awkwardenabled

Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza

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@lloydrang

I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.

@ilovepie84

Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.

@withanewname

Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!

Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?

Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked

@Richman_89

I’m not sure if Tom Petty is dead, but I’m absolutely sure journalism is.

@papasuncle

coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth

@TheBoydP

Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!

@c12h22o11balls

Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc

@lwhit_the_boss

The weatherman is telling us to expect 8 to 9 inches, but he’s probably lying.