I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
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Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
I’m not sure if Tom Petty is dead, but I’m absolutely sure journalism is.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
The weatherman is telling us to expect 8 to 9 inches, but he’s probably lying.