@AnniemuMary

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

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@krustythe_klown

Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.

@jackmackenroth

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

@KraftDinerr

“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”

@LostFelicia

My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.

@abbycohenwl

*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

@Naked_Superman

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

@nyquills

21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope

@CulturedRuffian

Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’

@FeelingEuphoric

*flicks cigarette after a long drag*

Here’s the thi—

*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*