me: we had a baby
friend: what was the weight?
me: about 9 months
Walkie-talkies as alternative educational communication tools:
Teacher: Your score is 98 over 100 OVER <static>
Student: Over? OVER <static>
T: 100. OVER <static>
S: Over? OVER <static>
T: Check your email…
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I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
No quarantine has all five:
– ur partner
– balcony / garden
– quiet neighbours
– hi speed wifi
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
Establish dominance by licking the spoon and then putting it back in the mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner.