Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
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ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
if people paid attention to safety warnings at industrial sites, we’d have way fewer super heroes
Nowhere is it more evident
That the middle finger
IS a suitable mode of communication
Than when driving to work
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now