@robdelaney

Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.

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@ClichedOut

*getting murdered*

Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert

@trumpetcake

ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.

@Beardson

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

@graceful_asfuck

Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.

@KeetPotato

fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”

@PetrickSara

Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.

@_xLNc

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

@ninetek

if people paid attention to safety warnings at industrial sites, we’d have way fewer super heroes

@SingleGirlAlert

Nowhere is it more evident
That the middle finger
IS a suitable mode of communication
Than when driving to work

@pittdave13

My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now