Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
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I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!