When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me I have no money everywhere
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I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Boss: Everyone is behind schedule and making excuses. Does everybody here think I’m an idiot
Me: Don’t ask. They swore me to secrecy.
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
How can you teach your child about adversity if you don’t leave a diaper unchanged once in a while?
Turns out all the electrical wires in this house are Twizzlers so we’re looking at another $3000 added to the budget
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
“What do we call this war?”
“The World War?”
“No. There’s already been 1 of those”
“Uh this is a world war, too”
*the streetlights explode*