Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
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There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
GOOD COP: The sign on your door says NOTARY
NOT A GOOD COP: *menacingly leans onto desk* Sounds like something a RY would say
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Almost fell on the ice this morning.
In a split second, I had to choose between saving my life or saving my coffee.
Now I’m alive with no coffee.
And questioning my judgment.
technically true but not a great slogan