@sarcasticmommy4

Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.

It means I’m a parent.

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@Tmoney68

Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.

@pittdave13

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

@VerbsRProudest

Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”

@pleatedjeans

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

@junejuly12

After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is

@Chocovania

GOOD COP: The sign on your door says NOTARY

NOTARY: Yes?

NOT A GOOD COP: *menacingly leans onto desk* Sounds like something a RY would say

@TheCatWhisprer

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

@primawesome

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

@steveolivas

Almost fell on the ice this morning.

In a split second, I had to choose between saving my life or saving my coffee.

Now I’m alive with no coffee.
And questioning my judgment.