@iQuoteComedy

Walking around the kitchen like Pac-Man when you’re hungry.

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@david8hughes

[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free

@Bob_Janke

Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight

@tsm560

When someone hasn’t tweeted in a while I always wonder if they’re okay… as if being on here is a sign of mental and emotional stability

@HeyZeus666

Freudian Slip.

What Freud wore under his skirt when he cross dressed on weekends.

@TheHyyyype

Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.

@patnspankme

Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…

@DanMentos

[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’

@david8hughes

When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.

@SpenceDen

I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.