Walking around the kitchen like Pac-Man when you’re hungry.

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[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free


Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight


When someone hasn’t tweeted in a while I always wonder if they’re okay… as if being on here is a sign of mental and emotional stability


Freudian Slip.

What Freud wore under his skirt when he cross dressed on weekends.


Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.


Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…


[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’


When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.


I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.