[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
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The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Bootstraps
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]