[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”

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Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*


Me: How are you?

Co-worker: *Gives 20 minute dissertation on their gastro infection*


Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.


anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death


*First Date

Her: Why are we at Home Depot?

Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.


ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”


“Must you lick the knife?”

“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”


Remember ladies. It goes from Twitter to Kik to Voxer to cell phone number to address to being dismembered in a motel bathtub.


“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”


The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?