*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”

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Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….

If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !


Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck


When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself

” What would Homer Simpson do?”


Everybody thinks they want to sleep with an older women until we ask you to sit up straight and keep your elbows off the table.


lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*


I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.


Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.


Me: *Don’t be weird, don’t be weird, don’t be weird, don’t be we..
Him: Hi
Me: OMG YES of COURSE pygmies are little people!!!


When you ask your dog what the they’re eating and they start chewing faster.