@JermHimselfish

*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”

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@SteveKoehler22

Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….

If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !

@LeBearGirdle

Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

@TheNuttyKiwi

When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself

” What would Homer Simpson do?”

@SuperApple80

Everybody thinks they want to sleep with an older women until we ask you to sit up straight and keep your elbows off the table.

@IndecisiveJones

lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*

@MidniteMadwoman

I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.

@JermHimselfish

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

@ShellHasDragons

Me: *Don’t be weird, don’t be weird, don’t be weird, don’t be we..
Him: Hi
Me: OMG YES of COURSE pygmies are little people!!!

@_youhadonejob1

When you ask your dog what the they’re eating and they start chewing faster.