*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
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DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Crying is a sign of leakness.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Never go to sleep after making me angry
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
*has no idea what a book even is*
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled