Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

Her: Please be on your best behavior.

Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.

4: I’m hungry.

Me: Want some eggs?

4: No.

Me: Yogurt?

4: No.

Me: Frosted Flakes?

4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??

Me: Would you like some?

4: No.

[Inventing Canadians]

Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!

God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

[first day as a crime scene photographer]

me: pretty weak lighting in here

*drags the corpse outside*

[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts

You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.

Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’

[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim

I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.

On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.

Update: I’m Still single.

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me

My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.

Good morning!

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.