[aquaman origin story]
*falls out of boat*
help! im drowni- oh… no, im good, actually
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
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Being alone in the desert for 40 days and nights sounds nice.
If you keep a pen in your mouth when you’re on your computer no one asks if you’re busy.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
ME: Table for 7 please
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator