@MomOfTeen

Walking by the lingerie section

Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.

Me: Uh huh.

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@trojansauce

[aquaman origin story]

*falls out of boat*
help! im drowni- oh… no, im good, actually

@bngzyface

Being alone in the desert for 40 days and nights sounds nice.

@Rachelnoise

If you keep a pen in your mouth when you’re on your computer no one asks if you’re busy.

@chuuew

ME: Table for 7 please

WAITER: Hahahahahahaha

ME: 7-p-m. Just me

WAITER: Okay that makes more sense

@NYC_Blonde

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

@mattZillaaaa

Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship

@darlingadora

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didnโ€™t

@WheelTod

Me: “Wanna see something cool?”

*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator