Walking by the lingerie section

Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.

Me: Uh huh.

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[aquaman origin story]

*falls out of boat*
help! im drowni- oh… no, im good, actually


Being alone in the desert for 40 days and nights sounds nice.


If you keep a pen in your mouth when you’re on your computer no one asks if you’re busy.


ME: Table for 7 please

WAITER: Hahahahahahaha

ME: 7-p-m. Just me

WAITER: Okay that makes more sense


“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.


Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship


me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didnโ€™t


Me: “Wanna see something cool?”

*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator