Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
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I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on