[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
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I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Camping tip: No.
It’s the weekend y’all
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him