“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
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Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
philosophical skeletons be like
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.