Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful

Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine

Me: That took guts, LOL

Patient: Who is that guy?

Surgeon: I thought you knew him

16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out

Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide

i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day

dad:

sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????

Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.

*buys a new treat for my dog*

*dog refuses to eat*

Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions

another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog

Lmfaoooooo

[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?

Me in super frilly tux: Nope

*Dog walks in also wearing tux*

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

cop: what happened?

librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

coo: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.

I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”

Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.

Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?

Cop: Sir…

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-

Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING

I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough

When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.

[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13

People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.

usher: bride or groom

me: just a guest

usher: no which are you here for

me: neither I’m married

DATE: what’s your favorite movie?

ME: Se-seven-en

DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V

ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb

I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’