[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
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Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
This makes total sense…
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.