[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.

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The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.


HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?

ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend

HIM: what?

ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low

HIM: what did you say?

ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂


My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free


[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted


*swallows pride*
*reads the label*
‘this pride may contain nuts*
oh no
*swells with pride*


Seriously waiting for a four year old to make it to any of those 30 under 30 lists.


Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.


Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”

Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”