[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
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The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
i really liked this one
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.