@coolauntV

[walking in on boyfriend]

me: oh god

him: it’s not what it looks like!

me: how could you do this to me?!

him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way

me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss

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@sarcasticmommy4

I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.

@eborg01

I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can

@Reverend_Scott

Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.

Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY

@elle91

I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.

@avainwordland

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.

@AnniemuMary

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

@PhilJamesson

Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate

@daemonic3

How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.

@SardonicTart

Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?

Me: Is that water or vodka?

Him: Vodka.

Me: Empty.