[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
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The internet is undefeated.. 😂
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
How is it still this week?
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.