[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
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A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
A French press is when you hug naked
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!